My Jenny

It's no surprise that I have abandonment issues; I guess that's what you'd call it. I've never had a psychiatrist diagnose me with that - and I've been to see a few. I think it really hit me when Joel and I began discussing Jenny's upcoming college admission. She's a senior in high school this year and stays busy with homework, theater/art projects, friends, babysitting, and of course - Taylor, her boyfriend. I've gotten used to her busy schedule and being away from home a bit (not that I like it). But when I think of her leaving for college - well that seems too "away". She's decided on SCAD - which is in Savannah, GA and almost a 7 hour drive away. Too far to text her and ask her to come home for dinner or to watch a chick flick with me. For 18 years, Jenny has been there with me through the good and the bad. She's the reason I made it through the loss of my first husband. She's kept me grounded when I felt out of control. She's been my best friend and my confidant. She's done all this without having to do a thing. She's just been there - a part of me - and a part of Ronny that she'll never fully realize.

She's asked me several times why I call her "Jenny" when I named her "Rahni". I've told her how when Ronny and I began trying to get pregnant, we discussed child names like every expecting couple does. Ronny wanted a girl, I'm not quite sure why, but he said he wanted to name her after his mom, Jeneane, and call her "Jenny". I don't ever recall coming up with boy names. Maybe we did and I forgot. He passed away while I was pregnant, not ever knowing that she was a girl. I remember going to the OB/GYN with my Mom for the ultrasound that would tell us the sex. I hoped for a boy so I could name him Ronny Jr. The doctor said "a girl" and I nearly cried. It's what Ronny had wanted, but I thought I needed a boy that would look and act just like him. God had a better plan and, of course, I immediately loved the idea of having a girl and knew I'd call her Jenny. My sister-in-law suggested naming her Ronny with a female spelling. I loved the idea - and found that it did sound good with Jeneane. It was then decided: Rahni Jeneane Argo. So soon after Ronny's death, I couldn't bring myself to call her Rahni, plus I had grown fond of the name "Jenny". Family and friends all had their own versions of her name, from "JJ" to Rahni to Jeneane (and different versions of spelling them all). When I remarried, Joel adopted Jenny, giving her his last name (Bryant). We wanted her to keep Ronny's last name of Argo, so her birth certificate now reads "Rahni Jeneane Argo-Bryant". Wow - what a name, huh? As she has grown into a beautiful young lady, not only does she have Ronny's looks and mannerisms, but she now likes to go by "Rahni". When I look into her deep dark brown eyes - I see Ronny. When she smiles and tells me she loves me - I see and remember Ronny. She's also a very unique person and has her own sweet ways. I couldn't have asked God for a more special gift from Him and Ronny.

So, as she prepares for college and adult life, I'm left asking myself the same question I asked Ronny before he took his last breath - How am I going to live without you? I know I'll be fine. Letting go is a hard thing to do but I'm so proud of her and know that she'll make this world a better place. But for now, my tears will flow and my heart aches at the thought of her not being with me daily. Selfish - I know.

I have also been blessed with two beautiful sons with Joel. I cherish every moment, every hug, every "I love you" with them. Parenting has got to be one of the hardest yet most rewarding jobs in the world.

~peace~

The Octobers of my Life

October has been a rough month for me since 1991, when Ronny died. This is the month of his birthday, which is also the month he was diagnosed with Leukemia. It seems like everything in my life has been defined by that (or maybe I choose to make it so).

Driving home the other day, in quiet solitude, I began thinking about him. It occurred to me that I couldn't remember some details that I desperately wanted to remember. How horrifying this felt! How could I not remember something so significant? Did he and I ever discuss how he felt about his cancer and the prospect of dying? I don't know! Was he ever afraid? How bad did he hurt? OMG how can I not remember these things that I'm sure I had to have known at one time? An overwhelming sense of sadness enveloped me and I cried. I wept because I was alive - and 16 years later I couldn't remember how he felt about dying. I suppose we forget things to get through life. Too bad I don't forget things that I'd rather not remember.

My son, Dylan, reminds me so much of him. I can't put my finger on it, but I feel the resemblance. One day, Dylan woke up from a dream crying. I held him and asked him if he wanted to tell me about it. He said that he dreamt that he was reincarnated in another lifetime but still remembered his life with us. He asked his "new" parents to take him to our house because he remembered where he used to live. His new parents wouldn't take him seriously and refused. He said he told them that he knew the way, if they would just bring him to us before we died. They ignored his requests and he was sad and frustrated that he could never see us again. I thought about how I should react to that. I believe in reincarnation and I believe that it's possible to remember your past lives. So I couldn't honestly tell him that I thought it could never happen. So I assured him that we loved him very much and would want him to be happy anywhere he happened to be. I suppose he accepted that; he went on about his day as happy as any ten year old boy would. But how many ten year old boys think about such things? I wonder....

~peace~

Those monsters...

And vomit I did. and did. and did. Boy that was a nasty virus. At least 24 hours of constant toilet trips and then about a week of feeling nauseated. That was not fun stuff.

Monsters inside me

Yesterday I started having stomach cramps. Like butterflies. Nervous? I don't know...I am worrying about a lot of stuff but I don't worry myself to death over it. Maybe I'm unconsciously worrying more than I think? Or maybe I've just got some sort of bug? Either way, it's still hurting today. I would vomit if I thought that it would make it better, but it seems like it's not really food on my stomach. More like my stomach imploding and spewing nasty acid into my abdominal cavity. haha Is that possible? Maybe there's a huge worm eating it's way out. Ok...I've been watching way too many Animal Plant shows!  Hubby asked if I were going through mid-life crisis. Is this what it feels like when you do? Hmph. I think I just need a 3-day weekend of doing nothing but staying in pajamas and watching movies...and have someone else come do my chores.

So...I have issues. I like to put too much thought into things. I've always gone on my intuition and it's done well for me so far. But now I'm being told to just let things go because they aren't as bad as I think they are. Has my intuition failed me or should I listen to that inner voice and not the voices of people who know me?

On second thought, I think I'll just vomit.....