The Octobers of my Life

October has been a rough month for me since 1991, when Ronny died. This is the month of his birthday, which is also the month he was diagnosed with Leukemia. It seems like everything in my life has been defined by that (or maybe I choose to make it so).

Driving home the other day, in quiet solitude, I began thinking about him. It occurred to me that I couldn't remember some details that I desperately wanted to remember. How horrifying this felt! How could I not remember something so significant? Did he and I ever discuss how he felt about his cancer and the prospect of dying? I don't know! Was he ever afraid? How bad did he hurt? OMG how can I not remember these things that I'm sure I had to have known at one time? An overwhelming sense of sadness enveloped me and I cried. I wept because I was alive - and 16 years later I couldn't remember how he felt about dying. I suppose we forget things to get through life. Too bad I don't forget things that I'd rather not remember.

My son, Dylan, reminds me so much of him. I can't put my finger on it, but I feel the resemblance. One day, Dylan woke up from a dream crying. I held him and asked him if he wanted to tell me about it. He said that he dreamt that he was reincarnated in another lifetime but still remembered his life with us. He asked his "new" parents to take him to our house because he remembered where he used to live. His new parents wouldn't take him seriously and refused. He said he told them that he knew the way, if they would just bring him to us before we died. They ignored his requests and he was sad and frustrated that he could never see us again. I thought about how I should react to that. I believe in reincarnation and I believe that it's possible to remember your past lives. So I couldn't honestly tell him that I thought it could never happen. So I assured him that we loved him very much and would want him to be happy anywhere he happened to be. I suppose he accepted that; he went on about his day as happy as any ten year old boy would. But how many ten year old boys think about such things? I wonder....

~peace~